 | Hello. My name is Kelly Pryde and I am a recovering perfectionist. Oh wait … scratch that. Hello. My name is Kelly Pryde; I am a recovering perfectionist. No … wait … still not right … |
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.
It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”
—ANNE LAMOTT
Hello. My name is Kelly Pryde and I am a recovering perfectionist. Oh wait … scratch that. Hello. My name is Kelly Pryde; I am a recovering perfectionist. No … wait … still not right …
Okay, so “recovering” is the key word in that statement. Yes, I have perfectionist tendencies and I know I’m not the only one! Perfectionism is one of the most common self-defeating beliefs amongst us Moms and it rears its ugly head in many ways, shapes and forms. Do any of these behaviours sound familiar to you? …
• You feel the need for your children to be meticulously dressed and well-behaved at all times.
• You sign your child up for a sport or activity and realize he is behind his peers’ skill level. You sign him up for extra classes to speed up his skill development.
• You believe the appearance of your home is a top priority and you spend excessive amounts of time decorating, remodelling, cleaning and/or organizing.
• You compare yourself to other Moms, co-workers, etc and worry that they are doing a better job than you.
• When you make a mistake or fall short of a personal goal, you become very self-critical and feel like a failure.
Whether you experience one or more of these types of perfectionism in your own life, or another form not mentioned here, the root of all perfectionist thinking and behaviour comes from the same place. It stems from a deep-seated belief, a fear, of “I’m not good enough.” Think about that for a moment. Consider the perfectionist tendencies you have and you’ll realize that they all link back to that one misguided belief.
Because we have this unconscious idea—this fear—guiding our actions, we set impossible standards and expectations for ourselves. We spend our days trying to do everything we think we should be doing, worrying about what other people think, making sure everything is just right, all with the idea that if everything on the outside is perfect, then we will be okay on the inside.
Of course, perfectionists never feel that way. We either run ourselves into the ground from all of the effort perfection requires or we fail to live up to the impossible standards we’ve set for ourselves. At the end of the day, we just feel stressed and guilty and we beat ourselves up for all the things that don’t turn out the way we think they should.
And here’s the worst part about perfectionism: when we’re so busy striving to live up to these impossible standards, we lose sight of what’s really important in our lives. We don’t connect with our spouses and children as deeply, we don’t see or hear what they really need, and we end up acting out of fear of failure rather than unconditional love.
The reality is that you are okay. There is not one ounce of your being that is not okay. Sure, you have some vulnerabilities and things you’d like to improve upon, but who doesn’t?! Those vulnerabilities are what make us human and they can be our greatest opportunities for personal growth and acceptance. When you can recognize and embrace those shortcomings rather than hide them in shame, you then begin to make choices that are motivated by love rather than perfection; you develop a stronger sense of Self; and you find a more joyful way of being in the world.
Robert Bly once said” “Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.” Inherent in all perfectionist tendencies is the message of “not good enough.” Your children will pick up on this, they will learn that message and they will internalize it. Curb your perfectionism. Choose the message of love rather than fear. You’ll be doing yourself, your family and your children’s family a world of good.
Ideas for Action
Here are a few ideas you can focus on to curb your perfectionism…
• Speak kindly to yourself. Perfectionists tend to be very judgmental and self-critical. Curb those tendencies by speaking to yourself the same way you would to your young child. Find things you are doing well, pat yourself on the back for something…even little things like teaching your child something new, effectively dealing with a temper tantrum, or simply for making it through the day. Focusing on the things you’re doing well and letting go of judgment is an important step towards curbing your perfectionism.
• Focus on your intentions. When you catch yourself in a perfectionist tendency, ask yourself: “Am I doing this out of love or fear of not being/looking good enough?” Are you really re-doing your child’s first grade project because you love him?! Shifting your focus to a more realistic and loving intention and letting go of things that don’t serve that intention will alleviate a lot of stress and pressure from both you and your family.
• Remember this: “What other people think of you is none of your business.” Perfectionists worry a lot about how they appear to others and what other people think of them. What other people think about you, your family or your parenting is their concern, not yours. If someone wants to pass judgment on you, that’s a reflection of that person and his or her character. It doesn’t say or change anything about you. Focus on what feels right to you in your heart and you can’t go wrong.
• Connect with your children and your spouse. This is not always easy in our time-crunched culture, but spending quality time with your family is key to tuning in to what they want so that your goals and beliefs are in sync with their needs. You may be surprised to learn that what you think is *best* for them is not actually what they need or want.
